I debated writing this article about jokes. Then I remembered a past article I wrote, “The Best Medicine“. It focused on how laughter can often be the best medicine. What better way to get a dose or two, of that medicine than by reading some jokes. I’m game, are you??
I will keep them clean. Maybe add some PG-13 ones. Do not worry, I won’t be adding anything vulgar.
Here is a list of jokes I collected all over the Internet. I by no means take ownership of these jokes. You can find the links below, where I did find these jokes.
I would really love to hear some of your jokes. Just drop them in the comments section below!
Let’s get this started!!!
PS: Newer jokes will be in italic.
Jokes I Hope That’ll Make You Laugh
A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out.
“Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven’t eaten all day.”
“Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won’t have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.”
A busload of retired Americans was touring Switzerland. On the third day, they visited a farm known for its excellent quality goat cheese.
The young farmer’s wife gave them a tour, a cheese making demonstration, and finally some samples. As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed to a pasture full of goats.
She said, “This is a special pasture where we let our older goats graze happily after they can no longer give milk. In the United States, what do you do with your old goats?”
An old lady piped up, “Honey, they take us on bus tours.”
A couple in their nineties are both having some short-term memory loss.
While in for a checkup, the physician says that physically they’re okay, but since they’re having trouble remembering things, they might want to start writing things down.
Later that evening they’re sitting and reading when the husband gets up.
“Would you like anything from the kitchen?” he asks.
“Some vanilla ice cream,” his wife replies.
“Shouldn’t you write it down so you don’t forget it?” she asks.
“Don’t worry, I won’t forget.”
“Well,” she says. “A few raspberries on top would be great. You want to write that down?”
“I’ve got it, honey. A bowl of vanilla ice cream with raspberries on top.”
“And the chocolate sauce, too. Maybe you’ll forget that. Want me to write it down for you?”
A little miffed, he replies, “I’ve got it! Ice cream, raspberries, and chocolate sauce. I don’t need it written down, for gosh sakes!”
He waddles out to the kitchen. A half hour later, he comes back with a plate of ham and scrambled eggs, and gives it to his wife.
She stares at the plate a few seconds, then says, “You forgot my toast.”
After 45 years at the company and ready to retire, the boss walked into the office on his last day of work. He didn’t notice his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His long-time assistant walked up to him and said, “This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?”
The boss said he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
Later, as he checked himself in the office mirror before his final lunch in the company cafeteria, he noticed his fly was open, so he zipped it up. Then he understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’
He headed out, paused by her desk, smiled, and asked, “When my garage door was open, did you see my stretch limo parked in there?”
“No,” she said, “I didn’t. All I saw was a rusty Olds with two flat tires.”
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her!
An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist.
The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks, the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”
“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”
An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” he said. “I’m almost 60 years old.”
The bartender apologized but said he had to see the license.
The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. “The tip’s for carding me,” he said.
The bartender put the change in the tip cup. “Thanks,” he said. “Works every time.”
At the restaurant, a sign read “Karaoke Tonight!”
Grandma studied it before asking, “What kind of fish is that?
Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar?
He got twelve months.
Don’t piss off old people.
The older we get, the less “Life in Prison” is a deterrent.
Everything’s starting to click for me!” said my father-in-law at dinner. “My knees, my elbows, my neck …
For her 40th birthday, my wife said, “I’d love to be ten again.”
So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split.
“So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?” I asked.
“Great,” she said. “But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size.
How can I avoid getting wrinkles??
Take off your glasses…
How did Betty Crocker die?
She burned her buns.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology
Do not read it!
I knew that my husband’s hearing had deteriorated after our friend—new to the city— asked where he could meet some singles.
“Well,” said my husband, “I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries.”
“Dear,” I intervened. “Singles, not seagulls.”
I’ve decided I’m not old
I’m 25, plus shipping and handling.
My wife is the boss, but I always have the last word.
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.
So he invited the old man inside for a drink.
As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law.
“I never know what day of the week it is,” he gloated.
“All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church.”
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
She’s only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke.
Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor.
One day she said, “You know what kills me … ?”
Smiling, Mark teased, “Apparently nothing.”
The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony.
“You know you’re past your prime,” she said, “when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair.”
The Senility Prayer
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway.
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
There was an elderly lady standing on the street. She had both hands on her hat, while the wind was blowing her dress up around her waist.
A dignified gentleman came up and said “Madam, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around like that. It’s very indecent, and both your hands are holding on to that hat!”
She replied, “Look, Mister, everything I have down there is over 70 years old. This hat is brand new!!”
Three seniors are out for a stroll.
One of them remarks, “It’s windy.”
Another replies, “No way. It’s Thursday.”
The last one says, “Me too. Let’s have a soda.”
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look! I’m about to change.
When you get old, your secrets are safe with your friends.
They’ll never share them because they can’t remember them
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right?
While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like.
“You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.
Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.
“Excuse me,” I said, approaching a clerk. “I’m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes.”
Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, “Take your pick.”
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of socks??
In case he got a hole in one.
Why don’t skeletons watch scary movies?
They just don’t have the guts.
Why was the little strawberry crying?
His mom was in a jam.
Why was the sand wet?
Because of the seaweed.
Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish.
You know you’re getting older when you bend over to tie your shoes, and you wonder what else can you do while your down there.
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake!!
Shared Jokes, Riddles, and Quotes
PLEASE SEND ANY OF YOUR JOKES: Send an email here!
And I will be sure to add them to this section of my blog. Again, please nothing worse than PG-13. Thanks
Sent in by Tina B.
A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, “Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it.”
The neutron says “Are you sure?”
The proton replies “I’m positive.”
Sent in by Tom M.
Three ducks get arrested. They go into court in front of the judge.
The judge calls the first duck up and asks him for his name.
The duck his name is Quack.
The judge asked him why he was here?
And Quack I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond.
The judge sentenced Quack to 2 weeks of community service.
Judge calls the second duck forward. What is your name and why are you here.
Second duck states his name is Quack Quack. I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond.
The judge tells Quack Quack, that his sentence was the same. Two weeks of community service.
The judge then calls the third duck up. And tells him, now don’t say your name is Quack Quack Quack.
The third duck answered, “no way, my name is Bubbles”. Sites where I got these jokes. I do not claim any of these jokes as mine!
Pinterest — where I got above images
I sure hope some of these jokes made you chuckle, or at least made you smile today. Feel free to, share them with your family and friends.
Perhaps you have heard many of these jokes already. I would love to hear some of your jokes. I’ll add them to my lists! They can be basically on anything, as long as they made you laugh, we’d love to hear. All I ask is that they be clean, I don’t want to offend any readers, I just want to make them laugh. Thanks!! <3
Just getting older, you stop caring what other people think, but also, you know who you are, and you know what you want. –Sharon Van Etten